What You Should and Should NOT Say to Someone With Cancer
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(1-6 of 6)
Bill Shafer- Last Online: Feb 01 2012
Discussion
What You Should and Should NOT Say to Someone With Cancer
Can anybody help me with this? Should you avoid talking about the disease and the treatment? Should you ask questions about it? Is it too obvious if you ignore the topic? I just don't know what's helpful and what isn't
Mary Mahoney- Last Online: Jan 18 2012
Marilyn- Last Online: Sep 29 2009
Andrea Eliscu- Last Online: Nov 05 2011
The Pixel Princess- Last Online: Dec 04 2009
Aylin- Last Online: Oct 27 2009
- Doom day stories of what happened to whom, they really do not want to know the worst case scenarios
- That you understand/know what they are going through, unless you have been through a similar treatment.
- What they are going through is nothing compared to what .xxx went through.
- Dying is ok (seriously one of my family members told this to me I could not believe what I was hearing !!! )
- They are so brave and they are an inspiration -- ok now this might be a dilemma I know some people liked it but I did not like being an inspiration.. and did not feel any kind of bravery, after all bravery is something voluntary whereas I was thrown into this kicking and screaming.
- The treatment they are getting will extend their lives 5 years when they are first diagnosed -at that point they were thinking they will live until they are 90+ and bad stuff happens to other people !(this is for initial diagnosis, we as humans have a feeling of invincibility immortality before we get ill)
- They are so brave for going around bald - translates to - omg what do you think you are doing I would never ever be seen like this in public !
- That you commit to do xxx while they are going through treatment unless you intend to continue doing it for a long time. Fading tlc from friends and loved ones is very painful for the patient be consistent.
- That you hear their pain, fears
- You'll listen to their endless babbling about treatments side effects oncologists and you are genuinely interested/intrigued
- That you'll be beside them and not leave them alone no matter what
- Jokes, harmless gossip, light stuff
- What you are going to do for them specifically. 'Call me if you need anything' is nice but know that they are not going to call. Rather offer them directly ' I will walk your dogs in your chemo days' .. 'Every friday I will bring a dessert' ... ' I will drive you to radiation on the second week'.. ' we will take walks on xxx days if you want to ' Be specific in what you are going to do for them.
- That you still enjoy their company even if they are wiped out, in a dazed state.
Discussion
If I know someone has been diagnosed with cancer, I want to reach out to them by personal visit, phone or email, and let them know I am thinking of them. I would not ask a lot of questions, but I would let them know I am offering to help in any possible. I would also encourage them to become active in our WPFT Community, where they will hopefully find comfort, become more educated, and make new friends that can help and support them.
Discussion
Hello Bill.
This is a difficult question because all folks diagnosed with cancer handle it differently. I can only tell you what gave me comfort during my cancer treatments.
I was very open about my diagnosis with nasal pharangeal cancer and immediately told my family, friends and co-workers. I wanted them to feel comfortable about asking me any questions and by telling them, I felt as if I was giving them permission to keep the dialogue open. It also allowed me to "verbalize" my treatment schedule and let them know what to expect. It also gave me an opportunity to talk... and I needed to talk! I worked through my chemo treatments and didn't want my fellow workers to feel uncomfortable about seeing me gain 20 pounds from the steroids or not know what to say when I changed wigs (blonde to brunette)...or transformed into what I thought resembled one of the Keibler cookie elfs... a sense of humor is important!
I appreciated the concern folks had and a simple... "how are you feeling?"... was always appreciated but if you ask, please be ready for an honest reply and be ready to listen and show support. I really appreciated the acts of kindness such as driving me to my treatments or preparing meals when I was just too exhausted to cook or allowing me "quiet time" when I needed to sleep or just be by myself.
For me, it would have been just horrible if people "ignored" what I was going through and I know some folks felt awkward... I tried to use humor to make them more at ease...so don't be afraid to laugh!
Oh, one last note... please tell us about all your friends who survived and are now healthy...and how we will overcome this too... please do not tell us about those you didn't win the battle. We all to clearly know the other side of the coin.
Thanks for listening... Marilyn
This is a difficult question because all folks diagnosed with cancer handle it differently. I can only tell you what gave me comfort during my cancer treatments.
I was very open about my diagnosis with nasal pharangeal cancer and immediately told my family, friends and co-workers. I wanted them to feel comfortable about asking me any questions and by telling them, I felt as if I was giving them permission to keep the dialogue open. It also allowed me to "verbalize" my treatment schedule and let them know what to expect. It also gave me an opportunity to talk... and I needed to talk! I worked through my chemo treatments and didn't want my fellow workers to feel uncomfortable about seeing me gain 20 pounds from the steroids or not know what to say when I changed wigs (blonde to brunette)...or transformed into what I thought resembled one of the Keibler cookie elfs... a sense of humor is important!
I appreciated the concern folks had and a simple... "how are you feeling?"... was always appreciated but if you ask, please be ready for an honest reply and be ready to listen and show support. I really appreciated the acts of kindness such as driving me to my treatments or preparing meals when I was just too exhausted to cook or allowing me "quiet time" when I needed to sleep or just be by myself.
For me, it would have been just horrible if people "ignored" what I was going through and I know some folks felt awkward... I tried to use humor to make them more at ease...so don't be afraid to laugh!
Oh, one last note... please tell us about all your friends who survived and are now healthy...and how we will overcome this too... please do not tell us about those you didn't win the battle. We all to clearly know the other side of the coin.
Thanks for listening... Marilyn
Discussion
What a wonderful response to Bill's question. no one knows better as when they have walked in the shoes.
When my husband was ill with renal cell cancer, we loved receiving notes and emails from friends and family. Sometimes he would pick up the phone and respond - other times he would ask me to drop a note for him.
One of the most important things I learned while he was going thru treatment is that he liked to have a sense of control over his life. He loved it when friends came over or invited him to lunch that they asked him his opinion on restaurant, route to drive anything. That gave him a sense tht life goes on and he had something to offer - he was not invisible just because he was ill.
Discussion
Marilyn had a point. Each person is different. I did not know what to say to a few people that I knew who had cancer. Then I got Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer - and, most of my friends and family already know that originally coming from Northern NJ (and an Italian family)...I am straight to the point and not shy expressing my feelings. I had originally started using a blog called Caring Bridge.org and it helped me get messages and updates to everyone. I let people know that I wanted them to call me, or read my blog, or just act as if I was still part of a healthy, normal world. I would encourage them to talk about their day, big and little things that bothered them, etc.
I told them not to be shy about calling or stopping over (assuming they were healthy). I basically gave them the OK to be NORMAL around me, and not treat me as if I was dying. I wanted as much normalcy as possible. But, that's me. Not everyone has the gift of open communication and can express themselves. I was upset when lots of people were tiptoeing around me and basically non-existent. Sometimes I needed someone else I could cry or complain to than my loving husband.
My best advice is to test the waters and say hello, ask them how they feel at that moment, tell them that if they feel like talking or have a pity party with you, that's ok. Tell them that you are interested in their lives. Share with them some stories of your everyday happenings, so that they don't feel like the world is passing them by. Avoidance is bad. Share an ear, share a meal, help with some chores (if need be). Just something to not always focus on being sick, has helped me.
I told them not to be shy about calling or stopping over (assuming they were healthy). I basically gave them the OK to be NORMAL around me, and not treat me as if I was dying. I wanted as much normalcy as possible. But, that's me. Not everyone has the gift of open communication and can express themselves. I was upset when lots of people were tiptoeing around me and basically non-existent. Sometimes I needed someone else I could cry or complain to than my loving husband.
My best advice is to test the waters and say hello, ask them how they feel at that moment, tell them that if they feel like talking or have a pity party with you, that's ok. Tell them that you are interested in their lives. Share with them some stories of your everyday happenings, so that they don't feel like the world is passing them by. Avoidance is bad. Share an ear, share a meal, help with some chores (if need be). Just something to not always focus on being sick, has helped me.
Discussion
Hmm this is a really challenging and excellent question Bill. Something that was great one day felt terrible the next day for me. All I can say is cancer patients can be quite moody, at times self centered(can you really blame them ?) difficult to read, so let me stick to the basics:
Do not tell them :
Do tell them :
Hope this helps, I lost 2 dear friendships during my treatments because they simply were too terrified and did not have any guidance on how to relate to a cancer patient. What a pity.
Have a stellar day !