The Triple-Decker Sandwich Generation

After years of working in public relations at hospitals and other healthcare institutions, Tami Boehmer was suddenly thrust into life as a patient.

On February 4, 2008, she learned she had a recurrence of breast cancer–just months after her five-year, cancer-free anniversary. This time she was told it spread to distant lymph nodes and her liver. One doctor told her, “You could live two years or 20 years, but you’ll die from breast cancer.”

At first, Tami says she was devastated, but soon got angry. How did her doctor know how long she has to live?

Tami needed to talk with other cancer survivors who didn’t accept doctors’ predictions–people who beat the odds. She was determined to find out how they did it so she could do it herself.  She started searching for “miracle survivors” nationwide for her book, From Incurable to Incredible: Cancer Survivors Who Beat the Odds.

Tami started a blog to find more stories and share them and things that have contributed to her health and changing outlook. She also writes about how her cancer impacts her family, including her husband, Mike, and her 12-year-old daughter Chrissy (pictured below).

We will regularly be featuring Tami's blogs here on Women Playing For T.I.M.E. The following post appears with her permission.

Click here to visit Tami's blog and to read more stories from her book, From Incurable to Incredible: Cancer Survivors Who Beat the Odds.

I remember a curmudgeonly man I used to know who would like to say, “Life is a s*&t sandwich.” I certainly don’t believe that, but for cancer survivors who have kids and aging parents, it’s like a triple-decker sandwich. Not only are you caring for your own family and parents, but you’re also trying to take care of yourself.

This is the situation I currently face. My mother has been failing for some years now and recently took a turn for the worse. A couple of months ago, I went over to take her to the doctor and found her collapsing in my arms. A neighbor called an ambulance and she was admitted for pneumonia. After a couple of weeks, she was sent to a nursing home for rehabilitation. We took her home this weekend. She looks like a walking skeleton, and unfortunately, my brother who lives with her has mental problems and is in terrible physical condition. I want to help and change their living conditions, yet they are determined to stay put. It’s very frustrating, to say the least.

At the same time, I worry that the stress of the situation will have a negative impact on my health. I am all about the body-mind-spirit connection, and have written about how stress can create an environment where cancer can grow.

I was feeling very drained and wondered if my chemo was causing it. Luckily, Flo Singer, a cancer coach and stage IV rectal cancer survivor, found me on Linked In, and has graciously offered her services to me. Before I left for my trips, we had a great discussion about feelings, and I realized how trying to control an impossible situation is draining to me. With that realization, I was able to focus on myself and releasing guilt.

Self-care is essential when you are have cancer ... and when you don’t have cancer. Even the airlines have it right: they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping your child. For some people, especially women, this can be difficult when you have others who depend on you or demand your time. I’ve learned a lot about boundaries over the years. Saying “no” isn’t easy but it’s a very powerful way to take care of yourself. Play the “cancer card” if you have to! It doesn’t work with my mom, but it’s bound to give you an “out” when you simply don’t have the mental or physical energy to deal with it.

I couldn’t take my mom to the doctor yesterday because I had an oncologist appointment. She didn’t want to wait so she took a cab. Hey, if you’re not around, people will find options to help themselves. It may even teach them a little self-reliance! The point is, you can’t help anyone if YOU are not around. So give yourself a break. Ask people to help you if they can. Get a massage, see a therapist, have lunch with a caring friend. Remember, you aren’t a super woman, and I know a lot of super moms who have gotten into serious thick water because they were always doing for others instead of for themselves.

So, try to cut that triple-decker into small, bite-size pieces. Give them to someone else if you can. Or simply refuse it and tell them, “I’m on a Take-Care-of-Me Diet.” It will save you a lot of indigestion.

Want to read more about Tami's journey? Check out:

-- Talking to Your Kids About Cancer